feedbackinfo

Note: Below are some typical examples of the type of feedback we deliver. Some names, titles and other elements have been removed or changed to protect the privacy of the writer and material. Movie Script Contest feedback is constructive and designed to offer real-world solutions in addition to the story critique.

SAMPLE 1:

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COMMENTS SUMMARY: Some very funny moments and great comedic characters, along with instances of hilarious dialogue; but the story lacks a cohesive second act and some scenes are too drawn out.

COMMENTS: There’s a lot to love about this comedy. The notion that a man’s late mom would include a provision in her will that the man must ensure his sister stays married in order to collect millions is clever; since it promises action and conflict and therefore opportunities for humor throughout. And while the story itself could have been better executed, other elements help compensate for this.

Probably the funniest thing about the story is the relationship between Bert and Carlos. Bert is a hilarious character, his personality and eccentricities feel unique and inherently funny. There’s something about Bert’s off-kilter world view and strange cravings that make him compelling. Bert and Carlos' back and forth banter is also fun.

Another funny relationship is between stuffy, childish Doctor Rodney and Carlos. Doctor Rodney is a dual story villain (sharing the position with Bert). As such he does a great job as mean-hearted selfish ass that gets off on belittling Carlos and takes pleasure in such petty things as besting him in a softball game. The only critique about Doctor Rodney and consequently Bert is that neither character really emerges as a primary villain, and I think while both characters and their roles are fine, one of these guys needs more screen time so we can see who Carlos is primarily fighting against.

The relationship between Carlos and his sister, Agatha is also good. But it does seem that Carlos harbors bitterness long after the fact. As portrayed, Agatha is a sweet gal who, if she was horrible to Carlos as a child, has made a complete transformation. Therefore it seems out of place that Carlos treats her so badly in the present. Some anger is understandable, especially towards his mother, but his ongoing animosity to his sister, when she has changed for the better makes Carlos look bad.

Carlos makes a decent protagonist. He is funny and earns sympathy points for being cool with his patients. In stark contrast to Doctor Rodney who treats the old folks with contempt. However, Carlos harps on so much about all the wrongs done to him that at times he seems like a whiner; also Carlos doesn’t strive towards achieving the central conflict enough. When an audience sits down to watch a movie, they instinctively cast about in the opening minutes for the story’s protagonist (hero). Usually, the protagonist is the character who is the most admirable, cool, ethical etc. This is not to say that the hero need be some Mr. Perfect or goody goody, that would be annoying; but you don’t want the protagonist to be an ass and everyone else look good by contrast. In antihero movies, where the protagonist is a criminal, somehow he is a cool criminal, (master jewel thief, crack bank robber) and the other criminals will all be worse in some way, so that by contrast, the antihero protagonist will be worthy of our empathy. The other primary protagonist trait is that he drives the story, or in the case of action films, the villain drives the story and the hero is the main counter drive. It’s good to portray the protagonist with a character flaw that he must overcome in order to win. In this story, Carlos has a flaw, he is bitter, and he does overcome this (character arc) in order to have the transformation he needs to donate the 20 million to save the clinic.

Though this is not a romantic comedy; the theme does center on love and forgiveness with a central conflict that deals with two people remaining married. Because of this, it seems like not giving Carlos a romantic interest is an omission. Like a piece missing. There is a cute nurse at the Old Folks/clinic home that could have easily served this role, at least as a subplot.

If we break down the story, though it is a good start, there are some inherent weaknesses. First off, for a central conflict, there is no ticking clock. The clause in the will that Carlos has to keep Agatha and Bert married is open ended and cannot be achieved in the course of the story. You want to put in a time lock, like the will says; Charlie will only get paid if Kate and James make it through their tenth anniversary which is thirty days away. And to enhance the conflict, make it that James and Kate are at each others throats constantly and Charlie is doing everything in his power to keep them together so he can get the money. He can ‘move in’ with them, what if he sends fake love notes or arranges romantic getaways for the couple, and tries to get rid of the competition like Bert’s secretary girlfriend. Maybe he sends her a text from Bert’s phone and then Bert (being unaware of the text) stands her up. He could even enlist Tyrone to help. In other words, the core of the story should be all about Bert trying to get his money and the antics and obstacles he faces. You could play around with this, even reverse it: mom hates Bert and wants them to break up before their 10^th anniversary, after which the jilted spouse will automatically get 50% of the others assets. Problem is the couple are deeply in love, but because Bert hates Agatha he doesn’t care and wants to break them up to get the money, but in the end, he respects their love and says “screw the money”

The other thing is it is not until page 29 do we discover what the story is about (concept), you want to jump into things faster; we need to know this by page 10 at the latest. And it’s not until page 45 or so does Bert even attempts to do something regarding the central conflict, and even then its only asking Agatha how she and Carlos are doing as couple. Again, you want to begin the story and map out Bert scheming to keep them together earlier.

The description below is good except that it describes things that cannot translate to screen. That Doctor Rodney is nasty or Mr. Pattman makes no sense when talking is not filmable in the description and is also redundant since we will soon learn this in the following action/dialogue. If you want to give us a hint that Rodney is this way before we learn this for ourselves when we continue with the story, then why not provide some visual clues like “DOCTOR RODNEY is a man in his fifties who wears a permanent scowl, likewise, Mr. Pattman is in his late eighties, dressed in pajamas, and a vacant look.

Watch out for description that is hard to follow or unnecessary. For example, the following description of some action in the softball game is hard to follow because it has too many actions occurring in the same paragraph; also unless the various plays and actions of the softball game are vital to the meaning of the story, then it is redundant. The idea with crafting description is to be a fluid and breezy as possible, while still effectively communicating the scene and action with as few right words as possible:

The catcher is out of breath,but manages to retrieve the ball, but throws it short of the 1st base bag. The 1st baseman is in a wheelchair that is controlled electronically with a toggle switch. He moves toward the ball. The 2^nd baseman beats the 1st baseman to the ball. He picks it up. He then throws the ball into center field. He then runs over to 3rd base and assumes a squatting position, as if 3rd base was his original position.

The out of breath catcher retrieves the ball but throws it short of the 1^st base bag.

The 1^st baseman in a wheelchair toggles a switch and he in his wheelchair trundles towards the ball.

But the 2^nd baseman gets the ball first and throws it into center field. Then he races to 3^rd base and squats on the bag, as if 3^rd base was his original position.

The first version is 83 words, the second version is 68 words. Not a big difference, but why force a reader to wade through redundant wordage, when the same thing can be said more sparingly. Also, the second version breaks up the action so it is easier to follow.

The scene where Agatha brings Sugar Spice to meet Carlos - but he’s not into her while Bert drools is funny, especially the bit about Carlos’ preference for Sugar Spice. The only thing is that the scene goes from page 59 to page 70, at eleven pages, this is a very long scene, while funny, it’s too long considering it is not vital to the story. I recommend paring it down to five pages. The idea with any scene is not to linger, it tends to dissipate the mood. The exception to this is an extended scene sequence like a chase scene, but even then, they are rarely more than 5 minutes long. You want to avoid an audience thinking (while watching your movie) “It’s funny, but when are we going to get back to the story?”

The follow up scene on page 79 is also funny when Agatha shows up with a gypsy woman Zarena as a potential love match for Carlos and he pretends that he is into having sex with elderly women. Zarena is sickened and wants to leave, understandably, but Agatha says to Carlos “how can you live with yourself) regarding sleeping with the elderly patients. But I think Agatha would see through this and not utter this line, since I doubt she would believe that even he could be that depraved. So her line rings false.

Overall, great dialogue, funny characters, story needs work and a story that needs focus via an active protagonist.

SAMPLE 2:

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COMMENTS SUMMARY: Though the story is too linear; and slow at times; there are some good moments here and the theme of love is universal.

COMMENTS: These days a straight love story/romance is a hard sell. Usually a romance type story is combined with another genre, action, thriller, drama or some huge backdrop, WWII etc to add more story elements and broaden the scope. Yet, “this story” has some interesting elements, the hippie commune thing, tail end of Vietnam War, and the jet acrobatics.

What is also striking about the script is that it seems very authentic; the hippie commune and the dialogue and characters and antics are completely believable. Same goes for the details on Navy jet fighters and description of military ceremony and ejection seat details. It’s either very well researched or authors appear to have first hand knowledge of the era.

The heart of the story revolves around the hippie commune and the various homesteaders who try to live a pioneer existence in the wilds of Georgia and discover it far from the idyllic utopia they had imagined. Characters, Tom, Linda and the others are very convincing and relatable characters. It’s easy to see why flyboy Tony would fall for Linda, since she is young and beautiful, ready for a change. Perhaps more could have been done to show why Tony would go for her, was there a lack of suitable women near his base? Is he drawn to her simple lifestyle? Does he want a ready-made family? Is he sick of the war and they share political beliefs? Or was she simply at the right place at the right time. Likewise, Tony is a good character but it would be good to see him embellished or to see some other traits to him. Also, why give him two nick names, T.A. and Jumper? One nickname seems enough. You want to make things painless as possible for the reader.

The set-up with Rick and Linda becoming increasingly distant is clever. Early on we see friction with their relationship when he wants to hunt alone and wants her to stay behind and do womanly chores. Later, their differences are emphasized when Rick wants to have an open relationship; this sets it up for Linda to look elsewhere – in the arms of Tony. The Linda / Tony relationship is believable and has a great first love feel to it. Though it’s a shame they don’t hook up at the end and therefore there’s a tragic element to the story; such is real life.

One of the issues with the story is that it is too linear. Generally, it's a good idea to add some layers of complexity (while still being true to the story) via subplots, twists, turns, unexpected developments and so on. This story is basically very straight forward and runs the risk of the reader guessing upcomming scenes and this is something you don't want. It's best to strike a balance between the main thrust "A story" and complications and developments, subplots that keep things interesting.

Another aspect to keep in mind is pacing. As a writer, like it or not, there is a constant battle to hold the interest of the reader. The reader can put the book down or the audience member can walk out of the theater or the producer/ reader-story analyst can pass on your material. Therefore you want to strive to hook the reader and keep them hooked so they can't put the material down. This mainly comes down to concept, characters and story being compelling in the first place and well executed. However, optimizing the pacing can also make a big difference in holding interest. The way to do this is to eliminate any and all scenes, characters and dialogue that don't directly contribute to the story. If a character or scene or line of dialogue can be removed and the story doesn't lose anything then it should be removed because it is just getting in the reader's way and slowing down the experience. Look over description as well, is there a way to convey the same information in less words? A few choice words over lengthy description is preferable and often enhances the work.

Here's an example of some of the existing description in the script and then a revised version for comparison.

Gleaming tendrils of fire seem to leap from the afterburners of so many F-15 Falcons. These old birds had seen many a decade in the service of America's finest Naval Airmen. These aircraft seemed to sense their mothball future doom; but like the fabled Phoenix of arcane legend; they refuse to go down without a fight; always ready for a scrap; the able pilots roared into the skies; while another group came home from the south, gliding towards the tarmac criss-crossed with glittering runway lights. One of the Falcons, more noble than the others, bore a proud stallion on the tail section. As this mighty war-bird taxied to a stop; the canopy flies open and strapping, Captain TONY GATLEY(34) signals to the ground crew.

A grizzled old ground crewman, "MCCARBY(60) moves towards the majestic aircraft with his trademark hobblling gait. Upon closer inspection, we see that McCarby wears a piece of tartan (plaid) stitched to his uniform. One wonders if Old McCarby had suffered greatly at the hands of his superiors, who demanded he remove the tartan patch but he likely refused to comply, ever the stubborn American-Scotsman.

Gas her up McCarby; I am headed out again at 0h-six-hundred. I must complete the trials before the Colonel returns from leave.

MCCARBY

(squinty-eyed)

Aye Skipper. But there's a mean storm brewing tonight sir; doubt you will want to be

in the thick of that sir.

TONY

That's why I make the bucks McCarby, don't you ever forget that. I am a risk taker.

MCCARBY

Aye but some risks aint worth taking.

TONY

Poppycock. I'll hear no more of your superstitious Scottish-American nonsense.

With that, Tony strides proudly towards the hangar; a spring in his step, power in his gait, a man on a mission. Meanwhile, old McCarby looks on after him; he removes a cigar from his overalls and bites off the tip and spits it on the runway.

MCCARBY

Aye skipper. Whatever you say.

A squadron of naval F-15 Falcons leap into to the sky - afterburners ablaze. Another small group of Falcons arrives from the South. One by one they touch down, and snake towards their respective hangers.

CAPTAIN TONY GATELEY(34) climbs down from his Falcon. A grizzled ground crewman, MCCARBY(60) ambles towards him.

TONY

Gas her up McCarby, I'm headed back after some lunch.

MCCARBY

Weather report says we're in for a severe gale, don't recommend it sir.

TONY

Need I remind you that I am a naval aviator; accustomed to operating in all sorts of inclement conditions. Know your place man!

MCCARBY

Sir. Of course, I will get right on it sir,

NOTE: The first version reads 346 words, the second version reads 119 words, about as third as long. While the second version is less colorful; it conveys essentially the same information in far less words; and requires less effort on the part of the reader to get through.

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